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AS THE WORM TURNS: A Mar-a-Lago Soap Opera. EPISODE 3: "The Fraudfather"

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SEASON 1, EPISODE 3: "The Fraudfather"

Voiceover: And so we return once again to stately Mar-a-Lardo, the luxurious, overvalued Florida residence of one-term former President Donald J. Trump.

Scene 1:  A birthday party is in full swing on the spectacular grounds of the exclusive Mar-a-Lardo Club and Resort. Throngs of guests mill about restlessly, trampling miniature eggrolls and crab puffs into the lawn.

A big man is seated at a small table under a marquee. He is rehearsing a speech he plans to make to former one-term president Donald Trump.

Big man:  Don-ald Trump … I am honored … and grateful … that you have invited me …  to your home … … on your daughter’s … your daughter’s… on the day of your daughters …… shit.

Don-ald Trump … I am honored … and grateful… on the birth of your daughter’s home … aw, fuck.

Kimberley  Guilfoyle: Donny, that man over there is talking to himself. See that  stupid-looking guy over there?

Donald Trump, Jr.: He’s a very stupid guy. 

Guilfoyle: Well, who is he? What’s his name?

Don Jr: His name is Herschel Walker, and he’s my father’s token African American.

Guilfoyle: Oh. I thought he must be the custodian.




Scene 2:  Inside the Mar-a-Lardo office of one-term former president Donald Trump. The blinds are closed; the room is darkened. Consiglieri Rudy Giuliani is with his boss, the one-term former president.

Trump: What a bunch of suckers, asking ME for favors! (chuckle) As IF!  … I hope that was the last one; I’m sick of this.

Giuliani: There’s one more waiting to see you … … it’s Herschel Walker.

Trump: Is this … really necessary?

Giuliani: He wanted to thank you in person. He didn’t expect  to be invited, since this is … well, y’know, pretty much a whites-only club.

Trump: Yeah, but he’s a celebrity, so you can let him in.

Enter Herschel Walker.

Herschel Walker: Don-nald Trump, I am honored … and grateful… that you have invited me …  to your daughter’s ... birthday.



A quick break for 11 commercials



Scene 3:  Outdoors at the party, Ivanka Kushner, daughter of former one-term President Donald Trump, is complaining to the Party Planner. 

Ivanka: There was supposed to be entertainment! There’s no music, no dancing … the guests are just milling around like a herd of beef cattle. My God, couldn’t you even get Toby Keith? I thought he was open to it.

Party Planner: No, and I tried everyone, believe me. Everybody was booked, even Clay Aiken. Or else they had the flu … BUT I did manage to get Cletus Biffle! He’ll be here soon.

Ivanka: Cletus Biffle? Who on earth is he?

Party Planner: He was on America’s Got Talent, made it to the second cut, I think…

Ivanka. Oh, well. Is he a country-western singer?

Party Planner: Not exactly… he plays “Tumblin’ Tumbleweeds” on a saw.

Enter Cletus Biffle,a middle-aged rustic in a ten-gallon hat and spangled vest. There is a small scattering of applause as he ascends to the dance floor cradling a large handsaw. 


Voiceover: And so we say do svidanya for now to the sweeping vistas and foam pillars of glamorous, exotic, jerry-built Mar-a-Lardo, playground of the rich and heinous.  Tune in again soon for Episode 4 of … AS THE WORM TURNS …


Episode 1: “Children of a Loser God”

Episode 2: “Of Human Bondage”


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