SEASON 1, EPISODE 3: "The Fraudfather"
Voiceover: And so we return once again to stately Mar-a-Lardo, the luxurious, overvalued Florida residence of one-term former President Donald J. Trump.
Scene 1: A birthday party is in full swing on the spectacular grounds of the exclusive Mar-a-Lardo Club and Resort. Throngs of guests mill about restlessly, trampling miniature eggrolls and crab puffs into the lawn.
A big man is seated at a small table under a marquee. He is rehearsing a speech he plans to make to former one-term president Donald Trump.
Big man: Don-ald Trump … I am honored … and grateful … that you have invited me … to your home … … on your daughter’s … your daughter’s… on the day of your daughters …… shit.
Don-ald Trump … I am honored … and grateful… on the birth of your daughter’s home … aw, fuck.
Kimberley Guilfoyle: Donny, that man over there is talking to himself. See that stupid-looking guy over there?
Donald Trump, Jr.: He’s a very stupid guy.
Guilfoyle: Well, who is he? What’s his name?
Don Jr: His name is Herschel Walker, and he’s my father’s token African American.
Guilfoyle: Oh. I thought he must be the custodian.
Scene 2: Inside the Mar-a-Lardo office of one-term former president Donald Trump. The blinds are closed; the room is darkened. Consiglieri Rudy Giuliani is with his boss, the one-term former president.
Trump: What a bunch of suckers, asking ME for favors! (chuckle) As IF! … I hope that was the last one; I’m sick of this.
Giuliani: There’s one more waiting to see you … … it’s Herschel Walker.
Trump: Is this … really necessary?
Giuliani: He wanted to thank you in person. He didn’t expect to be invited, since this is … well, y’know, pretty much a whites-only club.
Trump: Yeah, but he’s a celebrity, so you can let him in.
Enter Herschel Walker.
Herschel Walker: Don-nald Trump, I am honored … and grateful… that you have invited me … to your daughter’s ... birthday.
A quick break for 11 commercials
Scene 3: Outdoors at the party, Ivanka Kushner, daughter of former one-term President Donald Trump, is complaining to the Party Planner.
Ivanka: There was supposed to be entertainment! There’s no music, no dancing … the guests are just milling around like a herd of beef cattle. My God, couldn’t you even get Toby Keith? I thought he was open to it.
Party Planner: No, and I tried everyone, believe me. Everybody was booked, even Clay Aiken. Or else they had the flu … BUT I did manage to get Cletus Biffle! He’ll be here soon.
Ivanka: Cletus Biffle? Who on earth is he?
Party Planner: He was on America’s Got Talent, made it to the second cut, I think…
Ivanka. Oh, well. Is he a country-western singer?
Party Planner: Not exactly… he plays “Tumblin’ Tumbleweeds” on a saw.
Enter Cletus Biffle,a middle-aged rustic in a ten-gallon hat and spangled vest. There is a small scattering of applause as he ascends to the dance floor cradling a large handsaw.
Voiceover: And so we say do svidanya for now to the sweeping vistas and foam pillars of glamorous, exotic, jerry-built Mar-a-Lardo, playground of the rich and heinous. Tune in again soon for Episode 4 of … AS THE WORM TURNS …